She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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