I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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