Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
