she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
