I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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