If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
