If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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