I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
