I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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