this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
