i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
