I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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