So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
