drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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