Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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