I think my fart just growled at me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
