I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
