On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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