We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.