smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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