So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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