I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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