he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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