So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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