i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
