she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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