I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
