This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
