my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
