So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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