I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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