I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
