Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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