I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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