i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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