In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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