btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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