Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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