The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
