god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
