my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
