did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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