i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
