tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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