ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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