Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
They have beer where we have blood.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
