yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She even gives head with a lisp.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
