Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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