Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
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I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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