god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
