He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
