when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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