you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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