Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
