listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
