every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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