this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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