I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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